The fact that a company would maintain a position of “Senior VP of TOTAL CUSTOMER SATISFACTION” (caps mine because it seems like such an epic thing)– and then completely fail to make this person’s contact information available to the end customer, is… disheartening to say the least.

Many of you who follow my rants on Twitter or are unfortunate enough to interact with me on a regular basis will know that my 5-year-old Nissan Sentra has been diagnosed with a problem requiring a TOTAL ENGINE REPLACEMENT (Nissan likes things to be total, I suppose). After speaking to various levels of Nissan reps from the dealer to lower-level consumer affairs bile-fodder, I’ve decided it’s time to pull out all the stops. I’m currently in the (gruelling) process of composing my “TOTAL DOUCHEBAG GUILT-TRIP” letter to Nissan Corporate– but I had to send an email to Consumer Affairs to try to wheedle the contact information out of them:


I have recently been VERY unsatisfied with the result of my interactions with Consumer Affairs, and must therefore request the contact information of Nissan’s Vice President of Total Customer Satisfaction, as well as the Vice Presidents of Marketing, Sales, and any other relevant areas.

Please note that my time is very valuable and I don’t appreciate it being wasted– therefore no position lower than Vice President will be acceptable. I will require mailing addresses as well as email addresses and phone numbers. My case reference number for Consumer Affairs was 6661255 if you require it.

Thank you.

I’ll post my TOTAL ASSFACE GUILT-TRIP letter as soon as I get around to writing it. I never was very good at writing papers– especially with the kind of restraint I’m going to have to exercise here.


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